Envy

I envy you.

Why you can keep that friendship on the same path like it supposed to be? Did I do something wrong?

I just want to be a good friend. Share our story like before. When you still look at me as a good accompany that always be there for you. When you still believe that I am a good friend who won't broke you apart. Live in such a mysterious world because I have to interpret your world by myself, and I think I passed that stage. I just miss that moment.

Should I lost a friend because we're now stand in a different context of life? I am still who I am. Although many things change, but I'm the same old person who keep my promises. I know we lived in a completely different world. We just try to keep on going side by side when we met at some point. I still enjoy that kind of life.

Maybe what we do now is proving whose dignity is the top of others. We just waiting until one of us open our mouth to each other. Or remain quite means one of us do something wrong to each other. You just don't want to be hurt anymore.



I hate this situation. I just want to be friend. Is it too hard? Can you tell me what goes wrong? I just didn't want what I've learn about you this past years become nothing. Such a waste of time.

What A Small and Square World

This reality.

World is such a small place to live. And for me it was square. You will meet same person in different condition, sometime in which you didn’t like but you don’t have anywhere to go. You are trap inside a box with people you already know but you don’t want to know it that far.

You got nowhere to hide, no private place to share a passion. Because in every corner of this world, there always someone watching over you. It’s easy to get caught. Need to look right and left over your shoulder, check the situation. You just to be smarter than before, to find someway to prevent all unexpected situation. You can’t pretend you don’t care. You are.


You’ll try to find a way to make it round again, but you couldn’t. On the way to finding those things, you don’t what will come to you. You will experience whatever things that attract you, things that dares you. You love those kinds of things. You won’t run away, it challenging. It makes you more and more closer to it. And you won’t care what people said about you. About what makes you change, about how dare you do it. You’ll begin to close your ears from those things they say and just do whatever you think is the best. Is it right? It’s only you who can answer it.

Therefore, because of the small size of this world you can’t getaway from people. They really want to know what happen with your life even it was not important to them. They will keep an eye on you. Just like why they invent Twitter (Times Magazine, June 2009). You try to get over it, but can you? In this web 2.0 eras, your life becomes a public consumption. The only way to avoid is try not to pull the trigger. Don’t share a controversial story. Just type about your ordinary day. Try to control your self or this small and square world will destroy you.

When your boyfriend is your bestfriend’s ex, he’s your ex’s neighbor and friend, your bestfriend former boyfriend was your another bestfriend's ex, and now your bestfriend’s boyfriend is your boyfriend’s housemate. You will understand how small and square is this world.

Waiting For The World To Change

In this upside down world, we gonna have a lot of "FUN".

When there's no boundaries between a man and a woman. When everything is on gray area. When it's free to choose what you want without noticing what things are taboo or not. When woman and man's clothing are the same. When it's free to wear anything you want. When you don't even know what is ordinary means.

After almost a year I never touch my looklet page, today I made a new account there. Begin to addicted with that stuff but it's still slow as usual. (Oh I hate my internet connection). While playing, I chat with my boyfriend, Adjie Farra, and talk about his new business, which is fashion industry. Starting from leather jacket and expanded to shoes for men. He asked if there any software to design a clothes, and that was the time I suggested to look at looklet and polyvore website. Yes, there's no man clothing there but if there's one, he said that it will be useful.

Ok, I now this is weird. I'm the one who introduce all that fashion stylist website to him. But, it was attractive for him. So, which one is wrong?

When there's no boundaries between man and woman, every single thing that belongs to one of them now is the same. Man can take woman side, vice versa. Even it's weird to look at a man that concern about his appearance more than you do (if you are a woman). In my case, I feel little bit ashamed because they treat their body perfectly. Wear a face cream, scrubbing their body and I'm not. I don't really care about it.

Life is Changing

The hardest thing to learn in life is let something go.



All your belongings are packed beside you. Accompany you all the way round. Never missed any second of your perfect little life. But there's time when it has to go, leave you there standing and only staring at it.

Even when you're the one who take that decision. To let go a part of your life. You always think that was a perfect decision to make, the best choice you can do to continue your life. You just think about it inside your mind, down to your heart. You think it might be a good lesson to have. The one that makes you more mature because you dare to make a big changes in your life. Makes you look tough because you can let go your most exciting things. Makes you brave because no one can do that.

But it's NOT.

It's only you thought. You never experience that thing before but you already make a guessing that doesn't even fit perfectly in reality. How could you say that everything is okay when your heart broken into pieces. How could you pretend nothing happen when it left a big whole in your heart. You might feel okay in 3 day after but next you're not sure what's going to happen. When you wake up and realize there's nothing there.

Your life in only about you and your feeling. It includes another person feeling and another person life. You are the one who control your life, but you're not lived alone in this world. Trying to let someone or something go may affect your surrounding. You need to think about them as well as yours. Do they agree with your decision or they might be have a second thought.

Because giving up what you really love doesn't mean you're mature enough. It's not a sign that you growing up and accept that life is not only what you want to have. Giving up and letting go are a life changing experience.

I Told You So

What we got sometimes is not what we want. But at least we need it.

We need to learn how to enjoy this life without keep on regreting what we get. This might be a wrong way, we'll never know. This is an experience we got to live with so we'll learn to be the best.

We don't want to end up done a mistake twice. We'll be mature enough to know which action to perform a task. In other hand, we also can learn from someone's fault. Don't just feel amuse to watching someone's life, try to learn from what they done wrong and keep that in mind as a new knowledge to be applied next in time.



Try not to depends on anybody or it'll ruining someone's life. We are what we want to do. Me is myself with no one to argue. Don't think that we need someone else to accompany or catch up with yourself, actually they don't care what'll you do. After you make a mistake and they're there see it, they won't take responsibility of you. What they able do is just calm you down, sit beside you and say :

"I told you so"

(Or they just say it in their mind, with evil smile, try to figure it out why they can be here with you in this situation)

You are the one who take control yourself. Check what is your special ability in life so it won't make you (desperately) need someone besides you. You'll be free as your own, freely do anything you want. Didn't say that friends or whatever you call it is not important, they'll understand and respect you when you know how to respect and pleased yourself.

And the dumbest thing you will do is close your ear from another and open you eyes only for a thing that you think the best.